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10-08 05:47 - 'Shouldn't you already be insured by German health insurance? I remember clearly how you asked about paid sickleave due to a hurting hand preventing you from doing your job? / And also: 100 euro is the reduced price for...' by /u/mkugelfisch removed from /r/germany within 1668-1678min
Shouldn't you already be insured by German health insurance? I remember clearly how you asked about paid sickleave due to a hurting hand preventing you from doing your job?
And also: 100 euro is the reduced price for students under the age of 30. Your contribution to health insurance will be higher than that, even if you were to pay the minimum amount due to low income. Just for your information, as it seems that you still haven't properly informed yourself.
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PSG - This Is England 2019 - Part 2: The Ballard Of Rob Holding
So, we’re back! The January transfer window is about to open. Unfortunately, Herrera turned down Athletico Bilbao’s contract offer. Looks like he’s destined to be a left back.
Part 1, in case you missed it.
Following a suggestion from u/reversechinlock I’ll be breaking up the wall of text with some image links and some sub headings. However, I didn’t read that until near the end of January, so… not a lot of in game shots at the start of this.
The “World Team of the Year” is announced. Neymar and Marquinhos are in, with Mbappe on the bench. I only assume that Wilshere’s name was misspelled as “Coutinho” on the ballot papers.
Keylor Navas wins “North American Goalkeeper of the Year”. It’s not like he has any competition. Zac Efron comes 2nd and Kasey Keller is 3rd despite having retired in 2011.
Neymar wins the “Foreign Player of the Year” award in Ligue 1. They don’t announce 2nd and 3rd, so I’ll just assume that Tavernier was the runner up.
It’s January! Pickford, Holding and Stones all stroll into the club. Sorry Marquinhos. You may have just been named in the World Team of the Year, but Rob Holdinho is taking your place.
PSG have the 1, 2, 3 for December Player of the Month. Mbappe wins, Tavernier is 2nd and Wilshere is 3rd. DO YOU SEE THIS SOUTHGATE? PICK MY BOYS.
Mbappe dedicates his award to me. Aww, sweet. I’m still going to end up selling him. This is like getting attached to a puppy who you are sitting for a friend. Stop making me like you. It’s going to make it harder to give you away.
I offer Marquinhos and Thiago Silva to clubs to try and raise some funds. They are both very unhappy about this. I get Silva to speak to Marquinhos and Marquinhos to speak to Silva and they both calm down. I can’t believe that worked.
The £90m I have spent on John Stones is a record transfer fee for an English player. It smashed the previous record of £80m for Harry Maguire. I still can’t believe that Slabhead cost that much.
Idrissa Gueye moves to Juventus for £19.5m. The Juventus fans aren’t happy, since he isn’t a big name. They would have preferred Wilshere.
Scott Dann and Leighton Baines agree to join me for free at the end of their contracts. However, since I can pay a small fee to bring them in immediately I do just that. I want a fully English bench as soon as possible.
Maxim Choupo-Moting moves to Lokomotiv Moscow for £1.5m. This is the first time in his whole career that he has cost a transfer fee. Every other move has been a free.
Next game is Riems in the Coupe de la Ligue. I am on a run of 8 games without conceding a goal. If I keep a clean sheet here I will break the record for consecutive clean sheets. Perfect game to debut a new keeper and 2 new CBs.
Henderson has been named my new Captain. I know he is the right man to lead us to our 9th clean sheet in a row. And he does! Riems are smashed 4-0 with goals from Hendo himself, Neymar, and 2 for MOTM Mason Greenwood. Wilshere picked up another assist. DID YOU HEAR THAT YOU WAISTCOAT WANKER?
Due to concerns over the wage budget the board have decreased the amount of transfer revenue retained to 25%!!! WHAT THE HELL?
Rennes are beaten 2-0 in the Coupe de la Ligue quarter final. Man of the Match Jack Wilshere sets up Tavernier before scoring one himself. WHAT MORE CAN THEY DO GARETH? Also, Pickford saved a penalty after debutant Leighton Baines’ lack of pace led to him hauling down the attacker. That’s another clean sheet and a cup semi final to look forward to!
Gareth Southgate was spotted in the stands for the quarter final. He was watching pretty much my entire squad. Ah, fuck it. May as well…
Side quest unlocked: Get Rob Holding his first ever England cap.
I sell Kimpembe to Man U for £30m. The board put £7.5m of that back into the transfer funds. I can’t help but feel ripped off. At least he’s off the wage bill.
Marseille are brushed aside 2-0 at home with goals from Maddison and Neymar. That’s another clean sheet. Pickford, Holding & Stones are yet to concede a goal for PSG. Thiago who?
Oh, that’s also 20 unbeaten in the league. To be honest if I don’t manage to go the whole season unbeaten I will be very surprised. There is no competition. The UCL is where I’ll be tested.
Herrera has picked up an injury in training. I guess double intensity left back training disagrees with him.
The media have finally realised that I’m only signing Englishmen.
I ask the board to build us a stadium. They say no. I ask them to buy our current stadium, since we don’t own it and are renting. They agree to this after saying, and I quote: “We’re looking to make the club the most reputable in Qatar”. What? The owners may be from Qatar but I’m pretty sure that PSG are still based in Paris, France (not Texas).
Next up is Havre in the 10th round of the French Cup. The Dominos League 2 side manage to do what no team has managed since mid November when they score against me. Fortunately Tavernier (pen), Rob Holding and Jack Wilshere each score to give us a 3-1 win. Wilshere is once again named the MOTM. Bellingham breaks another record, this time for being the youngest ever player in the French Cup.
We beat Marseille in the Coupe de la Ligue semi final 2-0 with goals from Mbappe and Greenwood. Pickford wins the MOTM award after making 9 saves. Shitbag Kehrer has a bad game, getting booked and doing a terrible job of defending as Greenwood just walks away from him to find space before scoring the 2nd.
Following on from a suggestion from u/OverrunInMidfield I try to sign Lee Cattermole. VVV accept the bid, but Cattermole doesn’t want to negotiate a contract!!!
Montpellier put up a brave fight, but eventually lose 1-0. The keeper puts in an inspired performance, but is unable to prevent Daniel Sturridge from finally scoring his first goal for the team in his 13th appearance.
I offer Spurs Neymar in exchange for Harry Kane. They refuse. So Instead I agree to sign Herbie Kane from Liverpool on a free at the end of the season. I’ll just tell everyone he’s Harry.
Following another suggestion, I sign Antonio from West Ham. Looks like Mbappe will be spending some time getting used to the bench.
The transfer window is about to close. Time for some panic buying!
Thomas Munier pulls his knee ligaments in training. I think he’s just trying to make sure I can’t sell him before the window shuts. Nope. He limps his arse across the Channel as Watford sign him for £7.75m.
I agree to sign Ashley Young on a free at the end of the season. I pay 500k to make the transfer immediate. He is comfortable playing on either side at fullback. Hopefully no birds shit in his mouth.
I already have Ben Alnwick, but thanks to u/teasdale94 I am made aware that he has a little brother! I immediately sign Jak Alnwick from Rangers for 45k. He’s 7 years younger than big bro Ben. Maybe I’ll make them fight over who gets to sit on the bench behind Pickford. Keylor Navas and Johnny Rico weep quietly in the background.
I loan Ander Herrera to Wolves. They pay half his wages, and have the option to sign him for £6.25m at the end of the deal. The board had to be convinced to allow that, since for some unknown reason they think he’s worth more. Still, at least now he can play as a makeshift left back!
The day has finally arrived! Just hours before the transfer window shuts, I am able to name an entirely English starting XI for the first time. Ashley Young can’t be named in the squad since he played for Inter earlier in the day before making the move. By the start of next season I will have the bench sorted too. As for now Neymar, Mbappe and Marquinhos are lucky to sit on the bench (made out of English Oak).
Saint-Etienne are completely destroyed 3-0. It takes Antonio just 9 minutes into his debut to score. MOTM James Tavernier bags the other goals, 1 penalty and 1 a back post volley from a deep freekick. Wilshere is subbed off with a knock, but luckily it’s just a bruised shin and he will be fine.
Hold the fucking phone. The current top scorer in the league is no longer a PSG player. Dembele at Lyon has picked up 12 goals. Just behind him are Neymar and Tavernier on 11 each. I’d love for right back Tavernier to win Le Golden Flip-Flop, or whatever they call it in France.
- January Transfer Window Round Up
- John Stones - £90m (£33m & £57m over 3 years)
- Jordan Pickford - £22m
- Rob Holding - £21.5m
- Scott Dann - £800k
- Leighton Baines - £425k
- Michael Antonio - £10.25m
- Ashley Young - £500k
- Baby Bro Alnwick - £45k
- Idrissa Gueye - £19.5m to Juventus
- Maxim Choupo-Moting - £1.5m to Lokomotiv Moscow
- Kimpembe - £30m to Man U
- Thomas Munier - £7.75m to Watford
- Ander Herrera – Loaned to Wolves, option to buy for £6.25m
- Jude Bellingham – Loaned to Strasbourg to get some regular football
The fixtures are piling up. After playing on the Friday night, my next game is in the cup on Monday, before another league game on Wednesday and again on Sunday. The French FA fine teams for not playing enough first teamers in the cup, yet expect them to play 2 games in 3 days. It’s kinda bollocks. Good thing I have Jak Alnwick and Ashley Young to give debuts to in the cup.
I end up rotating the entire starting XI, meaning that on top of debuts for Young and Young Alnwick, I also give a debut to Scott Dann. We win 2-0, with goals for Neymar and another for Daniel Sturridge. Jak Alnwick manages to make 7 saves on his way to a well earned clean sheet.
Toulouse are the next team brushed aside 2-0 following a brace from Mason Greenwood. I rest Tavernier because he was 1 yellow away from a suspension and the next game is 2nd in the table Lyon.
The media make a big deal as to how we are 23 games unbeaten in the league, as if that’s actually a big deal. We are walking the league with my English heroes. The real challenge will be in the Champions League. There we may face some competition.
2nd place Lyon up next. Kehreh is determined to get one over me. He’s a pretty awful defender, considering we managed 33 shots over the course of the game. 3-0 win, with two goals from Mbappe and one for Neymar, assists for Antonio and Greenwood (2). Unfortunately Mbappe pulls his hamstring before he can bag his hat trick.
Lyon again up next. This time in the French Cup quarter final. I have currently gone 37 games in all competitions without defeat. This is the current record. All I have to do is avoid defeat against Lyon and I set a new record. And that we do! Battering Lyon 4-0, with an early goal from Henderson, followed by late goals from substitutes Veratti (2) and Sturridge.
We warm up for Ajax by beating Metz 2-0 at home. Goals from Mason Greenwood and James Tavernier (another penalty) round off a dominating performance. That’s 12 league goals for the season, 2 short of the top spot which is currently Nice’s Kasper Dolberg. On the downside, Henderson picks up a groin strain. Bollocks.
I give Henderson injections so he can play vs Ajax. We scrape through 3-2 away, with 2 goals from Mason Greenwood and one from an unfit Mbappe. The second leg is going to be interesting.
Andy Carroll still won’t negotiate with me. What the hell?! His contract is up in the summer and I want to sign the “rangy” striker. Maybe if I scout him he will feel more loved and will make the swap? Possibly he is concerned he will have to learn French? Little does he know there is more chance of me making the fans learn English.
MOTM Ben Chilwell and Michael Antonio each grab a goal as we walk through Angers 2-0. Wilshere picks up another assist. I give Silva & Marquinhos 45 mins to avoid them killing me in my sleep. Neymar sits on the bench for the full 90 as I chose to bring on Antonio ahead of him to play out of position.
Angel Gomes signed a new contract with Man U. This ruins my plans to sign him on a free at the end of the season. Instead I am re-training Ashley Young to play as a left winger. That was his old position before becoming a full back, so hopefully he won’t take too long.
England’s next 2 fixtures are near the end of next month. Both are friendlies, meaning that I will be able to pull players from the squad. This could be Wilshere’s best chance! And Holding… and Tavernier. YOU HEAR ME SOUTHGATE? PICK MY BOYS OR YOU DON’T GET HENDERSON!
I bring in Newcastle United icon Steve Harper as a goalkeeping coach. I had to pay Newcastle £500k compensation for him! I also add Peter Crouch as a coach to give him his first ever job in coaching. Some will say it’s a risk bringing in an untested coach, but look at his coaching stats!. With a Geordie Legend and a well known giant former striker in my coaching staff, maybe now Andy Carroll will join?
We absolutely destroy Amiens 6-1. Michael Antonio gets 1 whilst Mason Greenwood bags 5!!! His 3rd was a penalty which Tavernier let him take to get Mason his hat trick.
Those 5 goals added to the 3 he already had in February are enough to get Greenwood the Player of the Month award in the league. He is the 3rd PSG player to win it after Neymar and Mbappe, but he is the first Englishman!
Monaco are demolished 5-0 in the semi-final of the French Cup. Greenwood is injured during the game, and super sub Mbappe scores twice. Neymar, Tavernier (penalty) and Maddison are the other scorers. Greenwood’s injury is torn wrist ligaments, so he’s out for 4-5 weeks. Gutting.
This journalist looks like they’ve just come straight from the gym.
How the fuck did I just draw 0-0 with Nantes?! Absolute shite. Without Greenwood I gave Mbappe a start up front and he couldn’t hit a cow’s arse with a banjo. We defend well but going forward were about as impotent as Pele.
Immediately following that 0-0 the board set the budgets for the next season. I’m not saying that they panicked at the first time we have failed to score, but this is the budget I have to work with. I immediately start bidding on players.
Jadon Sancho is joining in the summer for £97m. Raheem Sterling is joining for £165m. I am finally going to get my team playing God’s own formation: 4-4-fucking-2.
We edge past Ajax 1-0 with a late Icardi goal, meaning we won 4-2 on aggregate. Another sub-par performance from the team. I yell at them all in the dressing room after the game. And it has the desired effect, as a couple of days later we hammer Lille 4-0, with a Mbappe hat trick and 1 goal for Captain Hendo.
I send Neymar and Henderson on holiday for a week since they both need a rest. I hope they go somewhere together. Maybe a nice caravan on the Isle of Wight? I also send Marquinhos on holiday for 4 weeks, since he is starting to get bed sores from sitting on the bench.
GOD DAMN YOU SOUTHGATE. Once again, Wilshere is left out of the squad. So I follow through with my plan. Henderson, Pickford, Chilwell, Stones and Maddison are all pulled from the squad. Screw you Gareth.
Daniel Sturridge has been suspended for the past 3 matches and I don’t know why. I know he was supposed to have a global ban for gambling irregularities, but for whatever reason that didn’t happen and he was able to play for me. Now he is banned though. It says “banned for the next match” and it says that after every game. He has no suspensions listed anywhere. I’ll assume it’s a bug and this is his gambling ban.
The Champions League Quarter Final draw sets up 2 all English encounters. Chelsea will face Tottenham whilst Man City will face PSG. Elsewhere Barcelona face Juventus and Liverpool face RB Leipzig. In the Seme Finals the winner of PSG/Man City will face the winner of Barcelona/Juventus, whilst there is a possibility of an all English semi final, since the winners of Chelsea/Spurs face Liverpool/RB Leipzig.
Brest (snigger) are brushed aside 3-1 with goals from Antonio, Tavernier and Icardi. Maddison picks up a couple of assists. Opposition striker Irvin Cardona picks up the MOTM award for trying his best.
Whoa. Ok. That victory won us the title. It’s March 20th, and 2nd place still have 9 games left to play. Damn, PSG are too easy. It’s the first time I ever tried managing them. This is way easier than that Blackpool save I tried.
Mourinho wants to sign Tavernier. He can fuck right off.
Tammy Abraham agrees to sign for me in the summer for the completely reasonable transfer fee of £60m & Marquinhos. There’s my big man up top. I can partner him with Greenwood and play a classic 4-4-2. This is it lads. We are gonna storm the world.
I start training James Maddison as a CM, since I’m no longer going to be playing an AM as of the start of next season. I also recall Marquinhos from his holiday to start training as a striker, to try and ruin him before he leaves.
I just realised that due to the week’s holiday for Henderson and Neymar, James Tavernier lifted the League trophy when we won it at our last game. Not bad for a goal scoring right back who GARETH SOUTHGATE REFUSES TO ACKNOWLEDGE.
I see that Brighton are slightly interested in signing my CB Abdou Diallo. I immediately offer a straight swap for Dan Burn, because if there’s one thing this team needs it’s a 6’6 left back. The deal is quickly sorted and will go through in the Summer window.
I sign Sammy Lee as my new assistant manager. It costs me £750k to terminate my current guy. Worth every penny.
We kick off the Final of the Coupe de la Ligue BKT with a full English starting XI, and a mostly English bench (just Neymar & Mbappe). Captain Henderson leads the troops to a 3-0 victory, with goals from Greenwood, Neymar & Mbappe. A good way to warm up for Tuesday’s UCL Quarter Final against Man City.
The cup final was my 48th game unbeaten in all competitions this season. I’ve got to make it past Man City and then Dijon to get to the half century.
We draw the first leg 1-1 at home. MOTM John Stones bags his first goal for PSG against his former side! Neither team escapes unscathed though, as Neymar picks up a back muscle injury whilst Aguero injures his hip. Both will miss the 2nd leg.
Southgate was spotted once again at one of my games, watching Tavernier, Holding, Wilshere… and the other players who he will actually pick.
We beat Dijon 3-1 to stretch the unbeaten run to 50 games across all competitions. Goals from Maddison, Mbappe and John Stones (again?!) are enough to bag us the 3 points. Mouninho is once again spotted watching James Tavernier. He claims he isn’t there to watch Tavernier. He’s such a voyeur.
Holy crap. What a second leg! Greenwood put us ahead before Sterling equalised. Maddison picked up a knee injury, forcing me to move Wilshere further forward and putting Verratti on in Maddison’s place. Fernandinho missed a penalty, meaning we went to extra time. Mbappe put us ahead, Foden equalised before Mbappe grabbed the winner in the dying embers of extra time.
Maddison has sprained his knee ligaments. That’s probably his season over. Damn.
I put Mbappe and Neymar on the transfer list. They are not happy. I don’t care.
Ashley Young and Scott Dann are unhappy with my treatment of Neymar. They have been teammates for less than 3 months! Shut up bitching and win me some games! We have a team meeting where I tell them to shut up. We then have another team meeting, this time about Mbappe. FFS lads. It’s almost like you don’t want a hostile take over of Paris by the English.
Nimes are smashed 4-0 with goals from Tavernier (pen), Henderson and a couple for Greenwood. Looks like we will be getting 100 points for the season. We are already on 90 and have 6 games left to play.
I offer Tottenham Neymar, Mbappe, Silva & £1 for Harry Kane… AND THEY TURN IT DOWN. ARE THEY INSANE?!?!?!
MOTM Tavernier scores another penalty whilst Antonio gets the second as Nice are easily beaten 2-0. Nice managed 1 shot all game.
Neymar agrees terms with Chelsea on a £70m move. I will continue paying £245k of his weekly wages. I can’t help but feel violated, but entirely of my own doing. I immediately start training him as a CB, double intensity.
MOTM Mason Greenwood nets a hat trick and Mbappe adds the 4th as Toulouse are absolutely wrecked 4-0 in the French Cup Final.
Next up are Juventus at home in the UCL Semi-Final 1st leg. It’s a pretty even match, but Rob Holding manages to mark Ronaldo out of the game whilst Greenwood grabbed the only goal as we win 1-0.
I play Marquinhos for 90 mins as a striker against Monaco, to further his development as a striker before he moves to Chelsea. He pulls his groin but I keep him on. We win 2-0 with goals from Henderson and a penalty from Neymar. Tavernier was suspended for this game, hence why he didn’t get the chance to score from the spot.
The Champions League Semi Final 2nd leg away to Juventus is batshit crazy. We win 5-4 (6-4 on agg) after going behind in the 1st minute. Goals from Greenwood, Neymar, Angel Gomes and 2 from Mbappe.
The Champions League Final is set to be an all English affair, as Liverpool take on my PSG side in Istanbul. Let’s hope Liverpool don’t have a repeat of 2005.
We beat Bordeaux 2-0, Reims 2-0 and Rennes 2-1 with goals from Greenwood (2), Tavernier (1 open play, 1 penalty), Marquinhos (playing as a striker) & Angel Gomes. We finish the domestic season off with a 0-0 draw against Strasbourg, with on loan Jude Bellingham getting himself sent off!
This means we finish the season unbeaten, with 106 points from a possible 114, scoring 92 goals whilst only conceding 14.
ROB HOLDING GETS CALLED UP TO THE ENGLAND SQUAD AHEAD OF EURO 2020!!! He’s 1 step closer to getting his first ever cap. Mason Greenwood was called up to the preliminary squad, but was dropped by the Waistcoat Wanker for the final squad. I guess his 33 goals across all competitions this season aren’t good enough. It’s a hideously unbalanced England squad, with 3 keepers (literally a rule), 10 defenders (7 CBs, 2 LBs, 1RB), 9 midfielders and just the 1 striker. I guess Alli or Rashford could play up front if Kane gets injured, but not calling up Greenwood is ridiculous. And no Tavernier, despite only having 1RB in the squad. Stupid Southgate.
All that’s left now is the Champions League Final. Mbappe shows how exited he is to play in the biggest game in in club football by pulling his ankle ligaments in the week beforehand, putting him out of the final. Angel Gomes then pulls his groin, meaning that Mbappe’s replacement is also fucked. I’m starting to regret convincing the board to build our new training centre on that ancient Indian burial ground.
Despite the makeshift right hand side (Marquinhos at RB, Tavernier as a right winger) we manage to beat the reigning European Champions 3-2 in Istanbul! 2 goals and an assist from man of the match Mason Greenwood are enough to tell Southgate to go fuck himself. This also means that Greenwood is the top scorer in the UCL this season with 12. But I guess that’s not good enough for Gareth. Icardi gets the other goal. Salah got Liverpool’s 2.
So that’s the Quintuple. Next season I can try for 6, with the Club World Championships added to the mix.
The fan’s player of the season is James Tavernier!
I think that’s a wrap for part 2.
Next up: Part 3 – 4-4-Fcuking-2